Monday, April 19, 2010
Sometimes when life gets really overwhelming I want to return to my safe place. The demands of a full time job and trying to get the new business off the ground along with caring for my two teenage sons. Too many lists. Too many sticky notes with reminders hanging on mirrors, on daytimers, on the car dashboard. Phone calls forgotten. Appointments missed. I want to return to the place where I used to be. I tell myself it would not be so bad to do this job until retirement. Then I realize that is my protective centre trying to lull me back to the safety of what was. That place that I know well and feel competent in what needs to be done. The paradox is that the place where I am safe fails to stimulate me.
Funny little roller coaster this is. When I go to that safe place, I seek stimulation and new frontiers. When I am on the new frontier, I seek safety and familiarity. How complicated is this push and pull between safety and adventure.
Truthfully if given the chance to go back, I would choose to go forward. I am now so far into the project that there is no going back. It is feasible that this point of no return committment will be exactly what I needed to stop me from packing it in and going home, so to speak. This is just anxiety about the new frontier that makes me look back at where I was and deem it to be a desireable place.
I feel brave and competent about the new project. Things are actually going very well. Some of the challenges ahead look scary but often challenges get smaller as you approach them. Usually because you are smarter than when you viewed them from far away. I will just look one step ahead at a time so as not to intimidate myself with the size of my goal.